Category: Joke of the Day

Top Ten Signs You are At a Bad Baptismal Service

10. The Coast Guard is involved.

9. The service is held at Splash Mountain Water Parks.

Blondes Set the Record Straight

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ....

Traveling Blonde

A blonde buys a plane ticket to Miami. (It's a coach Ticket). When she gets on the plane she sits in first class. The steward who checks tickets says, ""I'm so sorry, this is a coach ticket and your sitting in 1st class."

Police Quips

So you thought police officers didn't have a sense of humor... The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

The Blonde Miracle of 51 days...

Stock Tip

BEER, FISHING, SEX &GOLF:

Her Diary/His Diary

HER DIARY:
Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long,so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

The Long Trip To Heaven

The Pope, Billy Graham and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean.

A comical look at aging

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Annoying Music

Ted Lawrence awakened from a deep sleep. What was that
noise? He could have sworn he just heard music coming
from somewhere. But that was impossible. He was alone in
the house.

NEW VIRUS

Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems there
is a virus called the "Senile Virus" that even the most
advanced programs of Norton and McAfee cannot take
care of it ..... so be warned. The virus appears to affect
those of us who were born before 1950! Click to read more....

The Attorney

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea"

And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what in the hell makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"

My Philosophy

1. I don't do windows because .... I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt. (I am compassionate)

2. I don't wax floors because ... I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I'll feel terrible and they may sue me. (I am careful and poor)

3. I don't mind the dust bunnies because ... they are very good company. I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say. (I am imaginative)

4. I don't disturb cobwebs because ... I want every creature to have a home of their own and my family loves spiders. (I am kind)

5. I don't Spring Clean because ... I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous. (I am fair minded)

6. I don't plant a garden because ... I don't want to get in God's way, he is an excellent designer. (I am courteous)

7. I don't put things away because ... my family will never be able to find them again. (I am considerate)

8. I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because ... I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

9. I don't iron because ... I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press". (I am trusting)

10. I don't stress much on anything because ... "A-Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "WOW!! What a Ride!"

Seeing Eye Dogs

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman Pinscher and the other a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua figured convincing him a Chihuahua was a seeing eye dog may be too far fetched, but thought "What the heck", so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a f----in' Chihuahua???!!" The bouncer said "come on in".