Police Quips

• "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
  
• "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
  
• "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
  
• "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."
  
• "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
  
• "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh .. did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
  
• "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
  
• "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
  
• "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey $#*!."
  
• "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
  
• "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
  
• "Just how big were those two beers?"
  
• "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
  
• "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
  
• "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? . . . You're right, we don't. . . . Sign here."