Category: Joke of the Day

The Attorney

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea"

And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what in the hell makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"

My Philosophy

1. I don't do windows because .... I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt. (I am compassionate)

2. I don't wax floors because ... I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I'll feel terrible and they may sue me. (I am careful and poor)

3. I don't mind the dust bunnies because ... they are very good company. I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say. (I am imaginative)

4. I don't disturb cobwebs because ... I want every creature to have a home of their own and my family loves spiders. (I am kind)

5. I don't Spring Clean because ... I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous. (I am fair minded)

6. I don't plant a garden because ... I don't want to get in God's way, he is an excellent designer. (I am courteous)

7. I don't put things away because ... my family will never be able to find them again. (I am considerate)

8. I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because ... I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

9. I don't iron because ... I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press". (I am trusting)

10. I don't stress much on anything because ... "A-Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "WOW!! What a Ride!"

Seeing Eye Dogs

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman Pinscher and the other a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua figured convincing him a Chihuahua was a seeing eye dog may be too far fetched, but thought "What the heck", so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a f----in' Chihuahua???!!" The bouncer said "come on in".

More Ponderables

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

2. And who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there?
I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to-----oh, never mind!?

8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs.

9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

13. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

14. Stop singing and read on...

15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the differenc! e betwee n a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!


What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time .."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t....

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides