Topic: Today's Joke

THE THIRD AFFAIR

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwarz is dead!"

THE SECOND AFFAIR

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful
teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son
they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally became
pregnant,and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months
later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son.

He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had
ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I
fathered!"

Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling
around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time"!

THE FIRST AFFAIR

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their
passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8.00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.

Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. Where have you been!" demanded his wife when
he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having
an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon.
I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8.00 p.m."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!!"

Reflections

1. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

2. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping"; now we go "chunky dunking."

3. The early bird still has to eat worms.

4. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

5. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

6. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl -Alt -Delete' and start all over?

7. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

8. My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.

9. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

10. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

11. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Quickies

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"
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A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"
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"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"
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A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all," ; "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1.. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
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This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"

The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
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Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion." Joe: "Really?" Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
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A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse. "OOPS!"
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Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa." He replied, "How did you know?" She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole" afterwards.