Topic: Today's Joke

Ten Ways You Know Your Internet Connection is A Little Slow

1. Text on Web pages displays as Morse Code.

2. Graphics arrive via FedEx.

3. You believe a heavier string might improve your connection.

4. You post a message to your favorite newsgroup and it displays a week later.

5. Your credit card expires while ordering online.

6. ESPN Web site exhibits "Heisman Trophy Winner"...for 1989.

7. You're still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, "PacMan".

8. Everyone you talk to on the 'net phone' sounds like Forrest Gump.

9. You receive e-mails with stamps on them.

10. When you click the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.

Shakespearean in Dallas

A kid and his mom were walking on the sidewalk in Dallas. The kid, being 100% Texan, upon seeing some cowboys, said, "Hey Maw, look at them thar men with them thar bowed laigs."

She said that if he didn't start speaking correct English, she was going to send him to a Shakespearean English school.

A little further along, they saw some more cowboys. "Hey maw! Look at them thar men with them thar bowed legs!" he said.

So, true to her word, she sent him off to a Shakespearean English school to learn correct English.

He came home several months later on vacation. As they walked together down the sidewalk, they saw some cowboys.

"Hark!" he said, "What manner of men are these who wear their legs in parentheses?"

The Difference Between Men and Women

NAMES

• If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
• If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT

• When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
• When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

• A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS

• A woman has the last word in any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS

• Women love cats.
• Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP

• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

• A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Blonde Cowboy

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots,so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you walking around like this?"

The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ...so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy... '.

"And here I am."

Son of a Gun, Blonde Men do exist.

Vow Of silence

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so".

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.

Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but ***** since you got here."