Topic: Today's Joke

Balance

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found Him resting on the seventh day. he inquired of God. "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportu nity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.

Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries.

"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington... Wait til you see the idiots I put there."

Married to a smart a$$

While watching the ball game on TV last year, my wife and I were discussing life and death. I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

I hate being married to a smart a$$.

Top Ten Signs That Your Relationship Is Heading For A Break-Up

10. Wakes up, rolls over and says, "Damn, you're still here?"

9. She's just hired a pool boy...you don't have a pool

8. You call her "Honey," she calls you "Numb Nuts"

7. You overhear your wife on the phone saying,, "How much to kill my husband?"

6. You come home to find her handling the UPS guy's package

5. You've started sleeping in separate beds, in separate houses, in separate time zones

4. You're so unhappy together that the only thing that cheers you up is seeing the hilarious new movie "The Break-Up," now playing at a theater near you

3. You look back at the drunken, bottle-throwing fights as "the good times"

2. At your backyard barbecue she refers to your best friend as "Lover"......I mean "Larry"

1. Keeps asking, "Why can't you be more like Vince Vaughn?"

Cemetary Tears

A Lawyer's wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see the
tombstone reads:

"Here lies Shirley, wife of Morris Rosen, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce,
Malpractice, and Immigration Legal Services."

Suddenly Morris bursts into tears. His brother says, 'You should cry,
pulling a cheap stunt like this on Shirley's tombstone.!"

Through the tears, Morris sobs, 'You don't understand! They left out the
phone number!"

GO GITCHA MOMMA

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen nuttin' like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an overweight, elderly lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy..................go git cha Momma...............