Topic: Today's Joke

Blonde Friday

A businessman gets on an elevator. There's already a blonde inside. She greets him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiles at her and replies, "S-H-I-T."

She looks puzzled and repeats more slowly, "T-G-I-F."

He again answers, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde is trying to keep it friendly, so she smiles her biggest smile, and says as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiles back to her and once again says, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decides to explain. "'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answers, "And 'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, its Thursday.'"

Bacardi Breezers

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst...my wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

Medical Mal-practice?

Three surgeons are talking when one of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said; "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said; "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train travelling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States!

THE FIFTH AFFAIR

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky, my darling," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have something that I must confess."

"There isn't anything to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's alright, go to sleep."

"No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."

THE FOURTH AFFAIR

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly Sir, that'll be 1 cent". "ONE CENT?" exclaimed the man.

The barman replied "Yes". So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas and a fried egg?"

"Certainly, Sir" replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the man.

"4 cents" he replied.

"FOUR CENTS?" exclaims the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "The same thing I'm doing to his business!!"