Topic: Today's Joke

Dear Tide

Dear T ide,

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used Tide all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.

Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another, and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.

Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

Senior Moments

"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."


SEE.NILE
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then, she yells, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea,listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

It Hurts, Doctor!

A pert redhead tells the doctor that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken".

The North American Beer Festival

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?" The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.

SHE WAS SO BLONDE...

SHE WAS SO BLONDE...
.....she thought a quarterback was a refund
.....she thought General Motors was in the army
.....she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats
.....at the bottom of an application, where it says "sign here", she wrote Sagittarius

SHE WAS SOO BLONDE...
.....she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
.....she sent a fax with a stamp on it
.....she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday
.....under "education" on a job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics"

SHE WAS SOOO BLONDE...
.....she tripped over a cordless phone
.....she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice because it said "concentrate"
.....she told me to meet her at the corner of "walk" and "don't walk"
.....she asked for a price check at the Everything for a Dollar Store
.....she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order

SHE WAS SOOOO BLONDE....
.....she studied for a blood test
.....she sold her car for gas money
.....when she went to the airport and saw a sign that read "Airport Left", she turned around and went home

SHE WAS SOOOOO BLONDE...
.....when she heard that 90% of all crimes occurred around home, she moved
.....she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company
.....she thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless
.....she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening