Topic: Today's Joke

Memorial Stone

The husband dies He had $30,000 to his name.

After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is none of the $30,000 left.

The friend says, How can that be?

The widow says, Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course I made a donation to the church...that was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. . The rest went for the memorial stone.

The friend says, $22,500 for the memorial stone? Ohmygod!!! How big is it?

The widow says, Three carats.

Surfing the Internet Surfin' the Net
So I think I'm in the clear
the boss is no where in sight
I logon to the web and start to surf
and then my hair stands up with fright.

The footsteps coming down the hall
are quickening in pace
there is no time to exit
no way to save my face.

So I press the power button
and relax just a bit
there is no way he can tell
exactly what I hit.

I act all surprised
don't know why my machine died
"simply unpredictable these
computers are!" I cried.

"So we'll get you a new one
a computer that won't crash" he exclaims
Do you think he'll wonder
when the new one acts the same?

Quickies about Men

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women!

Why don't men eat more M & M's?
They are too hard to peel!

What do you call a man with an I.Q. of 50?
Gifted!

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature!

Why are blond jokes so short?
So men can remember them!

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up!

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares!

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know - it's never happened.

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.

What's a man's idea of housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home!

What did God say after he created man?
I can do better than this!

What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack of beer!

How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

What's the best way to force a man to do situps?
Put the remote between his toes.

How do men define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook/they eat we clean/they dirty we iron/they wrinkle!

What type of prize did you win?

A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, "I won a motor home! I won a motor home!"

The waitress runs over and argues, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stero system!"

The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home!"

By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as one of our prizes."

Again the blonde says, "There is no mistake! I won a motor home!"

The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

Lessons From A Cowboy

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.