Category: Relationships

THE FIRST AFFAIR

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their
passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8.00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.

Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. Where have you been!" demanded his wife when
he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having
an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon.
I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8.00 p.m."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!!"

Dear Tide

Dear T ide,

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used Tide all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.

Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another, and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.

Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

Married to a smart a$$

While watching the ball game on TV last year, my wife and I were discussing life and death. I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

I hate being married to a smart a$$.

Top Ten Signs That Your Relationship Is Heading For A Break-Up

10. Wakes up, rolls over and says, "Damn, you're still here?"

9. She's just hired a pool boy...you don't have a pool

8. You call her "Honey," she calls you "Numb Nuts"

7. You overhear your wife on the phone saying,, "How much to kill my husband?"

6. You come home to find her handling the UPS guy's package

5. You've started sleeping in separate beds, in separate houses, in separate time zones

4. You're so unhappy together that the only thing that cheers you up is seeing the hilarious new movie "The Break-Up," now playing at a theater near you

3. You look back at the drunken, bottle-throwing fights as "the good times"

2. At your backyard barbecue she refers to your best friend as "Lover"......I mean "Larry"

1. Keeps asking, "Why can't you be more like Vince Vaughn?"

GO GITCHA MOMMA

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen nuttin' like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an overweight, elderly lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy..................go git cha Momma...............